but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
