Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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