We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
