I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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