i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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