Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
