Don't make out with my wife yet
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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