I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
