Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sorry about my life...
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
