i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
