So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize