if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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