non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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