Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
