Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
