winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
