Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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