Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
