Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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