There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
