so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Randomize
