i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
