Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
