Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize