new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
