This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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