only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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