I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
