Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
