Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
