Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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