Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
