i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
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