fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You may now shotgun with the bride
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
