I think i sorta joined a cult last night
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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