Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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