I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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