i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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