i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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