I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
