His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
