I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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