can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
