Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
