I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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