I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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