He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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