My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
