I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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