did you get engaged???
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
