9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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