You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
