ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
