Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
