That's when you crack a 10am beer
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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