ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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