You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
